When Fear Becomes Your Matchmaker: Why Lowering Your Standards is a One-Way Ticket to Sidechick Status

True story Gems, I haven’t always been this "armored in standards" woman you see today. For a long time, I was running on a fuel mix of pure anxiety and the "Scarcity Myth."

I had this recurring nightmare, you know the one, where I die alone, surrounded by half-dead succulents and a Netflix "Continue Watching" queue that mocks my existence. Because I was so afraid of not being "chosen," I decided to become the most convenient woman in the Southeast. I thought if I was low-maintenance, asked for nothing, but gave everything, I’d finally win the prize of a relationship and a ring.

Spoiler alert: Being "easy to deal with" only made me easy to overlook. I wasn't being a partner; I was auditioning for a role I hadn't even read the script for.

After some serious, "check-the-mirror" healing work, I realized that my silence wasn’t "chill" it was a lack of self-respect.

When I decided to step back into the dating pool at 40+, I made a vow: I would date with purpose. I would have standards that were non-negotiable. Not nasty, not aggressive, just immovable.

Recently, I went on a date. We talked beforehand. I was clear: I love flowers. I find them thoughtful; they’re my love language in the "effort" dialect.

Date One: He shows up empty-handed. Now, it was dinner and drinks after work, so I gave him the "Benefit of the Doubt" grace. Maybe he was rushed. I agreed to a second date, but I set a boundary: "I’m not looking for a 'textationship.' I prefer calls and FaceTimes in addition to text exchanges. I want to hear your voice, not just read your thumbs."

The Interval: Several days passed. What did I get? Texts. Only texts. I tried calling him a few times, no answer, followed by a text hours later.

Date Two: The nail in the coffin. He spent more time engaging with his phone than with the woman sitting across from him.

In my younger years, I would have sat there, simmering in resentment, trying to be "polite" while dying inside. Not today. I didn't get nasty. I simply flagged the server, paid the check, and told him the truth:

"I think we have different expectations for dating, and I’d rather not waste any more of your time or mine. What I needed to see to make an informed decision was clear by the second date."

I wasn't calling him a "red flag." I was acknowledging we were misaligned. Somewhere out there is a woman who loves texting and thinks a "phone-first" dinner is a vibe. But she ain't me. There’s a woman who would have been on her phone taking selfies and foodie pics right along with him. But she ain't me. I freed him up to go find his match, and I freed myself up to stay available for mine. No hard feelings.

There’s a real fear of being alone that seeps in around our thirties and forties, isn't there? It whispers sweet nothings like, "Honey, the good ones are gone," or "You're getting older, better take what you can get."

When that fear takes the wheel, we start to see "standards" not as a compass, but as a liability. We don't just lower them; we eliminate them. Gone are the desires for thoughtful gestures and romance. Suddenly, "not actively hostile" becomes a green flag, and "remembers your name sometimes" is practically a proposal.

But here’s the thing: when you operate from a place of scarcity, you don't just attract the bottom of the barrel, or low hanging fruit; you settle for it. You become the sidechick in someone else's romantic comedy, instead of the undisputed leading lady of your own damn life.

Romance isn't "too much." Low effort is!

You want flowers? An actual, live, in-person conversation? A reciprocal gesture that suggests he actually thought about you for more than five seconds? That's not "too much." That's called being a person who desires a basic level of consideration.

You know what's "too much"? Having to explain to a grown man why basic human decency is attractive. Having to decode cryptic texts. Expecting a man to read your mind when he couldn’t even read the room is crazy work.

Showing up for more dates won't fix a lack of effort if you haven't set the expectation.

And Gentlemen, real quick: Stop putting these women through stress tests and assessment quizzes. It’s low-vibrational. If you have a genuine interest, vulnerability and transparency are the entry fees.

If you aren’t dating with purpose, get out of these women’s DMs and out of their way. You are literally blocking her husband. You’re the static on the line when she’s looking for a clear signal.

Back to you, Gems: Show up to the date with your standards armed; not like a laundry list of demands, but as a self-esteem bar he should at least be tall enough to greet.

• Identify one thing you’ve stopped asking for. Is it reciprocal effort? Romantic gestures?

• Practice being honest about it. Not aggressively, but with quiet confidence. "I really enjoy phone calls; it makes me feel connected."

• Hold the line. If someone isn't interested in meeting you where you are, then they're not your person.

Being alone for a while is not the end of the world. But being with the wrong person because you were too afraid to ask for what you truly wanted? That, Gems, is a special kind of lonely.

Don't let fear make you settle for anything less than what you’re willing to give and receive just to be in a relationship. There's someone out there who will meet you exactly where you are, flowers and all.

Continue to write your story, one healing page at a time… QP