Vanity Confessions: Jealousy, Unprovoked Dislike, and the Maturity We Owe Each Other

There is something uniquely revealing about sitting at your vanity…

Lately, it has become my sanctuary for deep reflection. As I was sitting there, doing a light beat for the day and taking in my reflection, my mind wandered back to a conversation I had not that long ago with a co-worker.

Out of nowhere, this colleague leaned in and shared that she disliked another woman in our office. Now, if you know me, you know I don't just passively digest unprovoked toxicity, so I challenged her reasoning. I asked her, "Why?"

And to no surprise of mine, she couldn’t give me a single valid reason.

This other woman had never offended her, never insulted her, and never disrespected her. Yet, my co-worker felt entirely justified in not only harboring a deep dislike for her, but vocalizing it out loud.

To the average, unexamined person, this is just typical workplace banter or standard culture. But when you’ve done the heavy, uncomfortable healing work necessary to cultivate real self-awareness, you see the situation for what it actually is: jealousy, envy, or admiration disguised as hate.

Let’s be entirely fair and nuanced before we go any deeper. There are instances in life where you simply may not be a fan of someone. You don't hate them; you're just impartial. There are no negative feelings, but you aren't enthusiastic either. That is normal human chemistry.

That is not what I’m talking about.

I am talking about a visceral, vocal dislike of a person without cause, without history, and without reason. It is the absolute refusal, or inability, to possess the integrity and self-awareness to admit that your spirit is bothered by them because of your own unaddressed issues.

It is infinitely easier for women to conclude, "I just don't like her," than it is to look in the mirror and confess, "Her light exposes my darkness. Her confidence triggers my insecurity. Her ease accentuates my feelings of inadequacy."

Unprovoked hate is almost always an unedited projection.

When a woman’s presence, success, beauty, or peace agitates you, and she hasn't done a single thing to cross your boundary, she is not the problem. Your internal mirror is.

While we are breaking down this behavior, we have to talk about the second layer of this immaturity: the women who feel the urgent need to notify their friends when someone else doesn't like them.

"Girl, you know so-and-so said she doesn't like you?"

Let’s be clear: who doesn't like my friend is none of my business, and it is certainly none of hers. Why are you so inclined to carry that garbage across the threshold into her peace?

First of all, there isn't a woman alive comfortable enough to come to me and casually announce her unprovoked dislike for someone I call a friend. My energy doesn't invite that kind of casual disrespect for the people I cover.

But second, even if someone is foolish enough to speak it, a real friend doesn't act as a courier for useless malice.

Running back to report who dislikes your friend isn't loyalty; it’s messiness dressed up as concern. Grown women protect their friends' peace; they don't bring the weapon inside the house. Grow up, Sis.

I am not sharing this to point fingers or leave anyone feeling condemned. I am sharing this because we cannot heal what we refuse to name, and I want us to do better.

Being nasty, petty, critical, and dismissive is a default state. It is easy. It takes zero spiritual strength to sit in a chair and pick another woman apart to soothe your own unhealed wounds.

It takes real, grown-woman maturity to pause, look inward, and be radically honest with yourself when another woman triggers you:

• Audit the Agitation: The next time you feel an unprovoked wave of dislike toward a woman, stop and ask yourself: What is she reflecting in me that I am afraid to heal in myself?

• Separate Admiration from Threat: Often, the woman you "dislike" is simply executing something you wish you had the courage to do. Turn that jealousy into inspiration.

• Refuse to Be a Trash Collector: Stop entertaining idle gossip about other women, and stop passing toxic reports to your friends. Let petty conversations die at your feet.

Her light does not dim yours. Her grace does not diminish your worth. Her beauty does not make you any less stunning.

It is time to lay down the elementary scripts of petty competition and silent hatred. When you feel bothered by another woman's presence, take it to your own altar, your own vanity, and your own journal. Do the heart work required to acknowledge that your feelings have nothing to do with her, and everything to do with self.

Let's stop projecting our pain, protect each other's peace, and heal for real.

Continue to write your story, one healing page at a time... QP