The Grace of Not Being Chosen: Finding Peace in the "Ordinary"

For most of my life, I have been waiting for my name to be called.

I’m now in my "Chapter 40 Plus" era, and if I’m being candid, I still feel like an outcast in so many circles. I look around and see people with "tribes," friend groups that have lasted decades, and "their person" by their side. I see influencers with clear missions and celebrities with undeniable talents. And then there’s me.

For years, I’ve battled this lingering, painful ache of never feeling chosen. I didn’t feel chosen by friends, I didn’t feel chosen by a partner, and most painfully, I didn’t even feel chosen by God to do anything "significant."

Because I didn't feel seen, I tried to make myself impossible to ignore. I created businesses. I launched organizations. I started Marketplace Ministries. I was desperately seeking to take hold of something, anything that would make me feel validated, seen, and chosen.

I thought if I worked hard enough, I’d finally stumble upon that "one big thing" that would define me.

But recently, I reached a breaking point. I realized I was running a race on a track that didn't exist. I was exhausted from trying to be "something," without even knowing what that something was. So, I did the scariest thing possible:

I just stopped. I stopped the striving. I stopped the building. I stopped the reaching.

Right now, my life has no "defined purpose" by the world's standards. I don’t have a massive platform. I don't have a specific, world-changing gift. And for the first time, I am learning to be okay with that.

There is a specific kind of grief in admitting your life feels like it has no direction, but there is an even greater freedom in it. I’ve realized that I was trying to force a "destiny" because I didn't think I was enough just as a human being.

If you are reading this and you feel like the perpetual "leftover," the one without the friend group, the one without the clear calling, I want to tell you something I’m just now learning:

Who you are will flow from you naturally. Who you are trying to be is where all the effort and the work comes in. That is how you know it isn’t really you.

We have been sold a lie that if we aren’t "doing something significant for the Kingdom" or "discovering our greatness," then we are failing. But what if our only "job" is to simply exist as a child of God? What if the "significant" thing is just being kind to a neighbor, or being honest about our struggle, or simply breathing through a Tuesday?

To my fellow "unchosen": It is okay to just live your life. It is okay to not have a "tribe." It is okay to not have a five-year plan. It is okay to not be the "chosen one" in the room.

When we stop trying to be the person we think we should be, we finally have the energy to be the person we actually are. And that person, the one who is tired, the one who is searching, the one who is just living, is deeply loved by God, whether they ever "achieve" anything or not.

Validation doesn't come from being picked by a circle of friends or a marketplace board. It comes from the quiet realization that you don't have to perform to have a right to exist.

You are allowed to just be.

Continue to write your story, one healing page at a time... QP