Knightmare In Shining Armor: Men Who Confuse Healing with Helplessness

If you are dating in your 40s, you’ve likely been there: You show up to the date hoping for a king, and instead, you get a man who thinks his biggest asset is his potential. My expectation when dating men 40 and up is simple: a certain level of "got-it-togetherness." I assumed they'd be dating with purpose, having invested enough in themselves, and ready to enjoy the company and conversation with their equal.

Reflecting on my recent dating experience, I was definitely wrong. I've learned that a tailor-made suit often hides an emotionally unkempt mind. And lately, I’ve found that the biggest issue isn't immaturity; it's the men who think the only currency you have to offer is your insecurities.

I once met a man who, on paper and face-to-face, was everything. Handsome, articulate, well-dressed, educated; he knew exactly what he wanted... until he figured out, I didn't need him to fill a void. We had great conversations, FaceTime energy was high, and we navigated through the first few months of getting to know each other's past without any issues, so I thought.

We exchanged stories about our healing journeys, our hard-earned financial stability, our education, careers, and our rock-solid relationship with God. When it was my time to share, I spoke about my life with the wisdom of a woman who has done the work, but somehow, he filed all of that evidence under "Code Red: Woman Needs Saving." Never did I convey the message that I was looking for a sponsor, but somehow he convinced himself that was the case.

I watched, confused, as he spun my self-sufficiency into a plea for rescue. It was as if he couldn't process a secure, successful woman who wasn't actively looking for him to pay a bill or raise her child. I genuinely wondered: Was he so conditioned by women who needed saving that he was punishing me for my independence? Was his ego bruised because, three months in, I hadn't asked him for a thing? I hadn't once come to a conversation with a sad story about being behind on rent or needing him to DoorDash me food.

To be honest, my turnoff wasn't about his suitability; it was about his inability to see me clearly. He wasn't bothered by my past; he was bothered by my present independence. My professional dialogue, my strong faith, the very things that showed I was whole, made him feel inadequate because he couldn't be the hero.

I politely ended things and lovingly added him to my blocked list. I didn’t have the energy to unpack his savior complex, and neither do you.

Trust the signs, Gems, and more importantly, trust where you are in your healing journey. It’s okay to admit that the part of you that still wants to be taken care of can be co-opted by a man who confuses that desire with helplessness. Your stability is a blessing, not a challenge for a man to solve. The men who are operating with purpose will celebrate your independence; the boys will feel threatened by it. Either way, choose a relationship that allows you to be a partner, not a project.

Continue to write your story, one healing page at a time... QP